I was really happy! My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite alot, and that as my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and that before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. So, she said, I’ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door… I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, “We are very happy and pleased, you have passed the test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car…
Don’t marry - date
Make it happen with Love scent

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an  experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.  Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, ‘WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.’

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, ‘Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.’

Hope you LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!  Please visit our sponsors, thanks for lookin’.

Ever had gas so bad you didn’t know WHAT to do? How do you cover that up, you ask!

Have you ever lit a match to cover up the smell while you were dropping a deuce? While this is a perfectly acceptable way to disguise the smell in your own home, you probably shouldn’t try doing this when you’re on a plane.
Earlier this month, a flight coming from Washington D.C. heading to Dallas had to make an emergency pit stop in Nashville because fellow passengers smelt burnt matches. It turns out it was just a woman who had lots of gas and wanted to hide the smell. [via USA Today]

Wow, makes me think about what I would do if I were in the same situation. I mean we all pass gas, but why does everyone get all so up in arms when they smell someone else’s fumes from the doom. Is there really a proper way to get out of it gracefully?

Here are some options she could have tried:

Keep quiet. The other people next to her might have thought it was coming from someone else or that the stewardess did a drive-by fart.

Hold it. I think to a certain degree we all get pretty good at doing this. Over a lengthy flight though, she might have had trouble on this. I wonder if that’s healthy though to hold your gas in. It’s never felt right.

Blame someone else. She could have said, “Wow do you smell that? I think it’s coming from over there.” This could work, but we all know whoever smelt it dealt it right?

Create a :30 Diversion. Maybe she could have used a little misdirection like magicians do and started to have a coughing fit. Others might have focused on the coughing and by that time the smell would have dissipated.

Give and Go. She could have got out of her seat and walked toward the end of the plane and then while she was walking back let it go little by little.
Be honest and just let it rip. Maybe say, I’m so sorry but that Chicken Marsala is doing cartwheels in my stomach and is giving me bad gas. She might have got a funny look, but people tend to appreciate honesty.

It’s hard to fault her too bad because we’ve all been in a similar situation. If you’re traveling this holiday and have some gas, hopefully you can use some of those tips. Happy Holidays and godspeed.
Did you fart?

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I recently read an amusing article by MS Bautista involving the usual, awful question that we females often ask our men.  No matter how many times I read the answers, submitted in so many different fashions, the answers are usually quite WRONG but funny.

As a woman, I often wonder why we bother asking our male counterparts for their opinion on certain topics. Our views too often greatly differ; I mean, duh, men are from Mars and women are from Venus!

One of the top things women shouldn’t ask men is “Do these jeans make me look fat?” (Am I right, guys?!) In case you guys get asked, here are 6 responses that hopefully won’t result in the evil eye or silent treatment.

1) “No, they accentuate your curves.” It’s probably at least partially true. The way most jeans fit, they hug onto your curves. Nevermind that they also hug onto the rolls of stomach fat and cellulite on thighs.

2) “No, but I like you in skirts.” This response works best when you know the woman has confidence that she has great legs. Regardless how well the dress fits, most women gain a sense of poise and feel extra feminine in dresses.

3) “Yes, but it’s the jeans’ fault!” Yes, blame it on the jeans! They’re an inanimate object that won’t retaliate in any way, shape, or form. Follow this response by suggesting an entire shopping day devoted to finding the perfect pair of jeans.

4) “I like the way they [the jeans] look.” Notice there is no “yes” or “no” response here. By simply telling her you like the way the jeans look you ultimately are saying you like the way she looks. This one may backfire as she’ll want a direct answer to the question, but just follow it up with a hug and kiss (and if you know she’s into it, a pat on the butt wouldn’t hurt).

5) “Jeans don’t make you, you make the jeans!” Go cheesy and then say, “And you make ‘em look hot, baby!” Go modest and say, “And you make them work, honey!” Paying her a compliment should help boost her confidence a bit.

These responses won’t work for all women, so anticipate how she’ll react before choosing your response. And when all else fails…

6) “Honesty is best.” Most women can spot bullshit from a mile away. If you know she’ll appreciate and can take your honesty, then (brace yourself and) simply tell her your honest opinion.
DO THESE JEANS MAKE ME LOOK FAT….

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When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building’ by George Bush.

He answered by saying, ‘Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.’

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia  to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?’ An American engineer stood up and replied quietly: ‘Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?’

You could have heard a pin drop.

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied ‘Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.’

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE…

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.  ‘You have been to France before, monsieur?’  the customs officer asked sarcastically.  Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.  Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’  The American said, “‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.  ”Impossible.  Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !’ The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.  Then he quietly explained, “‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D- Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.’

You could have heard a pin drop.

This week was a really tough week.  Went to work on Monday and found out that our company has put “us” up for sale.  That could be good and that could be bad.  Maybe a larger company will buy us out, invest lots of $ and we grow profusely!  OR maybe someone will buy us and sell us piece lot.  OR buy us, bring in their own staff and let us all go…………..we won’t know for quite a while as these things take time. 

So, now the staff is really bummed out.  Does the company think that we are going to be excited to come in to work now?  Do they think that most people are going to worry about doing a great job, or do their job at all?  The sentiment so far seems to be the latter.  And, oh yes, I forgot to mention - we just came out of bankruptcy earlier this year after 4 years of agonzing over lost profits, higher fuel costs, a union party takeover (which didn’t happen), etc.  I started to work with the company shortly after they filed bankrupcy.  I (and most of my co-workers) really worked hard to try to bring our corporation out of bankruptcy and our spreadsheets show that we are a profitable company once again. 

But, what are you going to do?  Working for any corporation these days is hard.  The world has changed.  For me prices are soaring - there’s healthcare, a mortgage payment, groceries, utilities (which just went up again), car payment, and 18 yr. old starting college this fall and on and on it goes. 

Most of us are in this same position.  I just keep the faith, stay close to family (mine is extremely close) and try to laugh OUT LOUD alot!!!!  And venting always helps.  It is truly medicinal which is good because I use to be a thinker, but I am recovering.  Didn’t someone say that thinking is a disease?  Thinking - The Silent Disease - good thing I’m in recovery. 

 Visit our Amazon store:  http://astore.amazon.com/onlinedieting-20

Not the PlayStation but PAIN Station is a game that you play and get hurt if you lose.
No pain no gain!
Surprisingly the injuries seem pretty severe for a ”game”. This version of the station is
playing the famous Pong game every few seconds its a hit ! Ouch

Have you ever had a hankering to play a computer game that allows you to inflict real pain
on your opponent?
Ever wondered how it would feel to shock, burn and lash your opponent into submission?
Well, wonder no more. Two German designers have addressed this yawning gap in the
gaming industry with a fiendish invention called, appropriately enough, the Painstation. The
concept is simple. Two players eyeball each other over a table console. The left-hand is
positioned on a sensor field — otherwise know as a PEU, or Pain Execution Unit. When both
players have made this electric contact, the game, and the real fun, commences. The game
itself is based on the first-generation PC game known as Pong, or bar tennis, and is followed
by both players through a graphics display in the center of the table. The player’s right hand
controls the bat, and the object of the game is to keep the ball in play as long as possible.
In the original PC game, missing the ball resulted in nothing worse than a moment’s frustration
and perhaps a well-chosen expletive. In this revamped version, missing the ball is not only
annoying, it is also very painful.
Randomly arranged along both sides of the playing field are Pain Inflictor Symbols, each
representing a different sort of pain. Depending where the ball hits, the player will feel
sensations such as heat, punches and electroshocks of varying duration delivered through
the PEU.
The game ends only when one of the players decides that the pain is too much to bear and
lifts a hand off the PEU. All of which sounds straightforward, but in truth games often continue
long past the point where common sense has given way to stubborn machismo.

Q1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms: The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

Q2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

Q3. A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, “that’s nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no type of equipment or air pockets!” The magician told the kid if he could do that, he’d give him $10,000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?

Q4. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

Q5. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

Q6. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

Q7. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

Q8. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Q9. If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

Q10. (in your head!) Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Q11. Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Now how many could you answer?
Scroll down for answers:-

ANSWERS:-

A1. The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.

A2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

A3. The kid filled a glass of water and held it over his head for 10 minutes.

A4. Colour and Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

A5. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson’s words: hmmmm… Barbecue.

A6. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

A7. The letter “e”, which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph

A8. If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

A9. If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

A10. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!

A11. Nunu? NO! Of course not. The fifth daughter is Mary. Read the question again.

Source

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN!

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s lockerroom. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’